I want my life and work to be meaningful. I want to live and breathe my passion and purpose daily. I want to be a force for change – for a more loving and compassionate world.
But my character is not forceful. My leadership style is not charismatic or
persuasive. My dedication to my work, my
accomplishments and achievements often fly under the radar as I don’t seek to put
myself forward. I am also not competitive
which means I mostly defer to more extroverted characters. Perhaps this is read as weakness.
And so I have been having a little crisis of self… the
crisis of the “I’m too small” and the “I’m not enough” kind because I don’t have
a “big, out there” personality.
I’ve been here before. So time to find solitude and sit with this discomfit and then the epiphanies will come…. they always do…
So I haven’t posted in a month. It has been a difficult month filled with
disappointed hopes, winter illness, a family health scare and a somewhat
overwhelming feeling of disillusionment.
For me, I often have these feelings of overwhelm at this
time of the year. I am beginning to
believe it is the universe’s way of telling me to slow down, pause and take
stock – what is urgent and essential and what can simply wait a little while
until it is addressed. This is seasonal,
cyclical…. And perhaps something I should be able to plan for by now…
It also seems to me at times like these that the only
solution is to reconnect with nature.
Not something I can always act on easily with living in the city but
this year the opportunity to retreat presented and I took it…
Disclaimer: I am about to reveal just how much of a
Professor JRR Tolkien geek I am!
I retreated all the way to the end of the second age of Middle Earth…. It is truly wonderful how much of Middle Earth is easily accessed right here in beautiful Aotearoa/New Zealand. In a little corner of Northland not far from Whangarei I found another little piece of Tolkien’s Middle Earth. To me it felt like the forests at the very end of the Second Age or the very beginning of the Third Age when the Dunedain first establish the Kingdoms of Arnor and Gondor and High Elves still linger in Greenwood the Great. There is a peaceful watching of the Sacred Kingfisher and magic on every path up ahead and around every bend. Magic also sparkles in the song of the waterfall and the trill of the Grey Warbler.
It was cold – the fog rolling in of an evening and a light frost in the morning. Just as it should be this time of year. The perfect space to get back in the natural rhythm of things. A better perspective on the first world problems that brought me to retreat in the first place. A moment to refocus in gratitude at the grace afforded me and mine.
Very introspective at the moment…. a middle age thing perhaps? Today I have been thinking about the label “conservationist”. I have thought of myself as a wildlife conservationist since I was probably 10 or 11 years old.
maybe 4 years old, sitting on the back steps by the kitchen door looking out
over this part of the Highveld that would one day soon be taken over by the
southern suburbs of Johannesburg. Our
house was one of the first in the new subdivision, still surrounded by the
grassland and mixed acacia bushveld typical of this area.
It’s May on the Highveld and everything is tinder dry. A black patchwork shows where the veld fires have been this season in the Klipriviersberg Nature Reserve just across the road from our house. Walking through one of these patches bits of burnt grass crackling underfoot. Then the dull thud of footsteps on dry, baked red earth. But always life – the titter of a group of red-faced mousebirds in the acacia, the screech of the fiscal shrike, the various species of dove cooing, the flash of red from the black collared barbet darting by, a rustle in the grass maybe a snake or the flash of a tail as a mongoose disappears deeper into the bush and, of course, the black-shouldered kite sitting on the powerline surveying all.
As I got older we ventured further afield, driving during family holidays to protected spaces to witness this life, to immerse ourselves in it temporarily. The most natural thing in the world, where else would you want to just BE? Kruger National Park, the Soutpansberg, the Drakensberg, Umfolozi, Mkuze, Karoo National Park, Tsitsikama National Park to name a few.
time I was a teenager being back at home in the big smoggy city felt
strained. I felt cut off from the
natural world where I belonged. Even in
a city like Johannesburg where the wildness of Africa still finds its way in to
the urban space, I still felt uneasy. And so I came to understand the
fragmentation of wild spaces and how I would want to spend the rest of my life speaking
for the voiceless.
strange journey it has been and continues to be… my conservationist
journey. It certainly hasn’t been a
linear career path and there have been many times when I thought I had lost my
way completely. Thinking how could where
I am and what I am doing right now possibly be about following my passion. But what I have realised recently is that
every apparent detour I have had along the way has equipped me with a rather
unique world view.
It quickly became clear that my work was not going to be that of the traditional conservation ecologist. I have had to come to terms with the educator within. To work through the discomfort I feel as an introvert to relate to people of all ages and stages in the course of sharing one all important message – wild lives and wild spaces matter.
The upshot of all this is that the model of conservation I was immersed in as a child is no longer valid, if it ever was. We cannot hope to make a difference for wildlife and wild spaces by putting fences up and keeping human communities out of the picture. Wildlife conservation should be an everyday practice for all of us wherever we find ourselves on this planet. We need to learn to live in harmony with the other living beings we share this planet with.
in my more selfish moments I think over the incredible moments I have had in
wild spaces and those magical close encounters with elephant, hippo, leopard, and
cheetah – wild ones in wild habitat. Not
ones that I had to pay an awful lot of money for in a contrived 5 star luxury
But more often I want people to have these sorts of magical encounters with wildlife in their own backyards so to speak. Let it be a normal, everyday occurrence – reconnecting humanity back with nature.
These days my original passion for wildlife conservation feels closer, my course more true…. My journey as a conservationist continues…